Tuesday, June 16, 2020


I have jowls.

My apartment is a dump.

I don’t wear pants.

I do not touch myself inappropriately while Zooming. So far.

I look at myself more than I look at everybody else.

When I want to show surprise, I have to raise my eyebrows unnaturally high for them to be seen above my glasses.

I have bad facial angles and worse facial angles.

Camera above: good. Camera below: bad.

A light source below my face makes me look like Boris Karloff.

Certain neck muscles, when used constantly, will slightly mitigate a double chin. 

When I’m interrupted, I realize that what I was about to say was wildly inappropriate, and I don’t say it.

I’m judgmental when somebody uses an animated image of the Aurora Borealis as their Zoom screen background.

I hit the mute button when I get up to do something so that I’m free to make embarrassing noises.

When a couple signs off to make dinner, I’m jealous.

When a single person signs off to feed their dog, I’m not jealous.

I feel guilty when I check my email while other people are speaking.

I feel angry when I suspect other people are checking their email while I’m speaking.

I hate Zoom Happy Hours.

I’m the first to arrive and the last to leave.

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