I have jowls.
My apartment is a dump.
I don’t wear pants.
I do not touch myself inappropriately while Zooming. So far.
I look at myself more than I look at everybody else.
When I want to show surprise, I have to raise my eyebrows unnaturally high for them to be seen above my glasses.
I have bad facial angles and worse facial angles.
Camera above: good. Camera below: bad.
A light source below my face makes me look like Boris Karloff.
Certain neck muscles, when used constantly, will slightly mitigate a double chin.
When I’m interrupted, I realize that what I was about to say was wildly inappropriate, and I don’t say it.
I’m judgmental when somebody uses an animated image of the Aurora Borealis as their Zoom screen background.
I hit the mute button when I get up to do something so that I’m free to make embarrassing noises.
When a couple signs off to make dinner, I’m jealous.
When a single person signs off to feed their dog, I’m not jealous.
I feel guilty when I check my email while other people are speaking.
I feel angry when I suspect other people are checking their email while I’m speaking.
I hate Zoom Happy Hours.
I’m the first to arrive and the last to leave.