Milo O'Shea and Tom Snyder.
Sunday, June 28, 2020
Thursday, June 25, 2020
16 Reasons Why Vincent Van Gogh Was Never Called “Vince”
1. Would cry at the sight of cerulean blue.
2. Would orgasm at the sight of cadmium yellow.
3. Dated his cousin.
4. Painted “The Potato Eaters,” yet was secretly a potato snob.
5. Always absinthe, never brewskis.
6. Threatened Gauguin with death after a philosophical disagreement over linseed oil.
7. The tortured artist’s Tortured Artist.
8. Would not high-five.
9. Never included the people around him in selfie paintings.
10. Would never dream of calling Dr. Gachet “Doc.”
11. Didn’t tell jokes. Told “despair anecdotes.”
12. Didn’t try out for sports at King Willen II High.
13. Claimed to be an impressionist, yet refused to do impressions at parties.
14. Would not be Gauguin’s wingman at Happy Hour.
15. Pronounced his last name “Vun Khokh.”
16. Extended his pinky when he cut off his ear.
Wednesday, June 24, 2020
Thursday, June 18, 2020
Wednesday, June 17, 2020
Tuesday, June 16, 2020
I have jowls.
My apartment is a dump.
I don’t wear pants.
I do not touch myself inappropriately while Zooming. So far.
I look at myself more than I look at everybody else.
When I want to show surprise, I have to raise my eyebrows unnaturally high for them to be seen above my glasses.
I have bad facial angles and worse facial angles.
Camera above: good. Camera below: bad.
A light source below my face makes me look like Boris Karloff.
Certain neck muscles, when used constantly, will slightly mitigate a double chin.
When I’m interrupted, I realize that what I was about to say was wildly inappropriate, and I don’t say it.
I’m judgmental when somebody uses an animated image of the Aurora Borealis as their Zoom screen background.
I hit the mute button when I get up to do something so that I’m free to make embarrassing noises.
When a couple signs off to make dinner, I’m jealous.
When a single person signs off to feed their dog, I’m not jealous.
I feel guilty when I check my email while other people are speaking.
I feel angry when I suspect other people are checking their email while I’m speaking.
I hate Zoom Happy Hours.
I’m the first to arrive and the last to leave.