16 Reasons Why Vincent Van Gogh Was Never Called “Vince”
1. Would cry at the sight of cerulean blue.
2. Would orgasm at the sight of cadmium yellow.
3. Dated his cousin.
4. Painted “The Potato Eaters,” yet was secretly a potato snob.
5. Always absinthe, never brewskis.
6. Threatened Gauguin with death after a philosophical disagreement over linseed oil.
7. The tortured artist’s Tortured Artist.
8. Would not high-five.
9. Never included the people around him in selfie paintings.
10. Would never dream of calling Dr. Gachet “Doc.”
11. Didn’t tell jokes. Told “despair anecdotes.”
12. Didn’t try out for sports at King Willen II High.
13. Claimed to be an impressionist, yet refused to do impressions at parties.
14. Would not be Gauguin’s wingman at Happy Hour.
15. Pronounced his last name “Vun Khokh.”
16. Extended his pinky when he cut off his ear.