Wednesday, December 24, 2008

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS

Twas the night before Xmas, when all through my pad

Naught was rhyming with Xmas, and this made me mad;


The TV was tuned to the Home Shopping Place

In hopes that St. Nicholas would not show his face;


To celebrate Thursday all over the globe

I opened a brewski from Ye Old Latrobe;


At length I tuned in to the Playboy Channel

And put on my PJ's, the ones in red flannel;


I sat on the couch like a russet potato

"Anna Nicole Smith was sure one hot tomato!"


I poured a martini, to warm me within

Eschewing dumb eggnog in favor of gin;


Then just when my loins were beginning to stir

I heard in the sky an incredible whir;


I zipped up and ran to my highrise balcony

The place where I practice my hobby of falconry;


And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear

But a huge flying saucer with a silver veneer;


Eight tiny green creatures climbed down on a ladder

And I became so frightened I emptied my bladder;


"What is it you want, if I'm not being nosy?"

I asked as they circled me, ring-around-the-rosy;


"We'd like to examine your brain's frontal lobe

And also the classic, the old anal probe."


"But I am no leader, no Martin Van Buren;

I'm just some poor schmuck standing in his own urine!"


I could not dissuade them, or bribe them with money

I offered them beer; they just thought that was funny;


They made me lie down on the dining room table

And did things involving a fiber optic cable;


A half hour later they boarded their craft

Was it all just a dream? Was I crazy, or daft?


Then I heard them exclaim, ere they drove out of sight

"Happy Thursday to all, and to all a good night!"

2 comments:

isabelle_yang said...

"But I am lo leader"? I'm no English major, but I believe that was a typo. Anyway, I love your poem! Funny how New Year's is also a Thursday. Merry Xmas and Happy New Year!

JCD said...

Thanks for spotting that typo! I fixed it.

I'm no calendar expert, but you're right about the Thursday thing.

Happy New Year!