Jimmy went into his relationship with Vonetta with his eyes wide open. He knew that she was a kleptomaniac. He knew that she drank liquor from an old fruit jar. He knew that she had dated the entire starting lineup of the Atlanta Braves. And since she lived in Chicago, it had to be when they were playing the Cubs, which meant it had to be some very concentrated dating.
But Jimmy's Uncle Bernard had brought him up to see the best in people and give them the benefit of the doubt. Uncle Bernard was later diagnosed as clinically delusional, but his lessons stayed with Jimmy nonetheless. Like the one about checking under the bed to make sure Sasquatch wasn't there.
It was September, and Jimmy was feeling very lonely in Chicago, as Vonetta had just gone on the road with the Philadelphia Phillies. Jimmy called Uncle Bernard at the insane asylum for advice, but all he heard on the phone was a funny gurgling sound. Well, it would have been funny had it not been terribly sad, that is.
Jimmy decided he needed something to occupy his time until the end of baseball season. But what? A hobby? An affair? A drinking problem? He decided on all three.
His first step was to go to a hobby shop and purchase a wood-burnishing kit. For his first project, he burnished "327" on his front door.
A half hour later his doorbell rang, and it was Mrs. Potter, his landlady, complaining about the front door. Apparently, "327" was not the correct address, and she felt that this would diminish the value of her property. He apologized profusely and invited her in for a drink. One thing led to another, and another, and the next thing Jimmy knew, he had a fulfilling hobby, an adulterous affair and a serious drinking problem.
Was this a great country, or what?
Jimmy's burnishings eventually made a name for him as an "outsider" artist, and his works sold for tens of thousands of dollars apiece.
Mrs. Potter divorced Mr. Potter and moved in with Jimmy.
Uncle Bernard escaped from the loony bin and went into politics.
The Phillies went on to win the World Series. Second baseman Chase Utley told Sports Illustrated that the team felt very relaxed toward the end of the season, but he wouldn't elaborate.
Vonetta was arrested at the final game for stealing a bobblehead doll from a concession stand. When she got out of jail it was football season, and she is now going steady with the Dallas Cowboys.
No comments:
Post a Comment