Things I’ve Learned about Life from Watching Soap Operas
HUMOR
ON AVERAGE, people marry and divorce the same partner twelve times.
WEDDINGS and holidays last three days.
TWO PEOPLE having a conversation each face the same way. Or they walk all around the room, separately, as they talk.
AFTER HAVING a conversation with somebody in the other person’s house, a person will leave, close the door behind them, and then stand there for a while mulling over the conversation they just had.
WHEN THERE’S a knock at the door, people assume they know who it is, so they start talking before they fully open the door, usually wearing only a towel, and usually revealing something incriminating to the wrong person. They say things like, “Did you forget something, Rex?” But it’s never Rex. It’s the husband.
CHILDREN are sent to boarding school at age ten, and they come back a year later at age sixteen.
WHEN PEOPLE want to fake their death, which is often, it’s extremely easy to procure a corpse.
PEOPLE who fake their deaths always attend their own funerals, in disguise.
PEOPLE COME BACK after being presumed dead. It might be a twin nobody knew about, not even the person presumed dead. Or it might a double. And the double could be someone else who was presumed dead who had plastic surgery in South America to look (and sound) exactly like the other person in order to impersonate them, fooling everyone, even their spouse.
A FANCY COSTUME BALL is a great place to show up incognito if you’re a villain wanted by the police or if you’re presumed dead and want to stay that way.
THE SECRETARIES of high-powered executives are always away from their desks, because people are constantly barging in unannounced. These intruders may overhear the executive revealing something juicy in a telephone call, or catch them having sex on the desk. (With the wrong person, of course.)
IN WEALTHY FAMILIES, grown children continue to live with their parents in the family mansion until they’re around forty-seven years old. They may also bring in a succession of husbands and wives to live there with them. Family breakfasts are usually tense, as at least two people are mortal enemies of each other.
PEOPLE are extremely intuitive, bordering on psychic. A raised eyebrow lets them know you’re having a secret affair. Clearing your throat lets them know with whom.
IN BARS nobody orders alcohol by brand. And bartenders do not speak, they just nod. And they don’t charge you for your drink. Also, if you order a martini, it takes only eight seconds for the bartender to bring it to you.
WHEN SOMEBODY moves out of an apartment, somebody they know always moves into it.
MORE EXCITING things happen on a Friday than on any other day of the week.
SOMETIMES somebody will go into the kitchen for a cup of coffee and will never be seen or mentioned by anyone ever again.
OVERNIGHT, somebody can look and sound completely different. As if someone brought in somebody new to portray them.
PEOPLE who are referred to as being funny are never funny.
IF YOU’VE BEEN thinking about somebody from your past a lot lately, they’re sure to show up in town very soon.
IF YOU’RE OUT IN PUBLIC and a member of the opposite sex gives you a completely innocent hug, that’s exactly when your significant other shows up.
IF YOU’RE OUT TO DINNER with somebody, be sure not to leave your phone on the table when you go to the bathroom, because that’s exactly when your date will read an incriminating incoming text.
IT’S EXTREMELY EASY to sneak into a medical lab and falsify paternity tests.
PEOPLE HAVE NAMES like Jarvis Huntington and Blaze Wentworth. Nobody has names like Lemuel Strunk and Wanda Burpee.
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