Thursday, December 24, 2009

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS

Due to a groundswell of indifference, I'm rerunning this heartwarming poem from last year in the hope that it will eventually grow into an enduring holiday classic, if only in my mind.


**********


Twas the night before Xmas, when all through my pad

Naught was rhyming with Xmas, and this made me mad;


The TV was tuned to the Home Shopping Place

In hopes that St. Nicholas would not show his face;


To celebrate Xmas all over the globe

I opened a brewski from Ye Old Latrobe;


At length I tuned in to the Playboy Channel

And put on my PJ's, the ones in red flannel;


I sat on the couch like a russet potato

"Anna Nicole Smith was sure one hot tomato!"


I poured a martini, to warm me within

Eschewing dumb eggnog in favor of gin;


Then just when my loins were beginning to stir

I heard in the sky an incredible whir;


I zipped up and ran to my highrise balcony

The place where I practice my hobby of falconry;


And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear

But a huge flying saucer with a silver veneer;


Eight tiny green creatures climbed down on a ladder

And I became so frightened I emptied my bladder;


"What is it you want, if I'm not being nosy?"

I asked as they circled me, ring-around-the-rosy;


"We'd like to examine your brain's frontal lobe

And also the classic, the old anal probe."


"But I am no leader, no Martin Van Buren;

I'm just some poor schmuck standing in his own urine!"


I could not dissuade them, or bribe them with money

I offered them beer; they just thought that was funny;


They made me lie down on the dining room table

And did things involving a fiber optic cable;


A half hour later they boarded their craft

Was it all just a dream? Was I crazy, or daft?


Then I heard them exclaim, ere they drove out of sight

"Happy Xmas to all, and to all a good night!"

4 comments:

teresa.frog.applause said...

Pity that you're no better at balcony falconry than you were last year.

retrofuturistic said...

I zipped up and ran to my highrise balcony /
Where I still could see my big screen HD Sony


Does that work better?

rangster said...

I can't believe frog and retro are picking on my favorite part! When my eyes landed on "Falconry", I truly burst LOL. The entire work is a masterpiece of ...well, mash. Probably inspired by the fermented mash distillate, JC is in such fine form here, playing with the classic American urban legend of UFO encounters, which if you think about it, describes the modern St. Nick trope rather wryly, don't you think?

JCD said...

Thanks. I may need to run this again this year.