MOUSE MAGIC

THE GENTLEMAN FARMER

POST-CHRISTMAS CHEER

CHRISTMAS DINNER

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS

Twas the night before Xmas, when all through my pad

Naught was rhyming with Xmas, and this made me mad;

The TV was tuned to the Home Shopping Place

In hopes that St. Nicholas would not show his face;

To celebrate Thursday all over the globe

I opened a brewski from Ye Old Latrobe;

At length I tuned in to the Playboy Channel

And put on my PJ's, the ones in red flannel;

I sat on the couch like a russet potato

"Anna Nicole Smith was sure one hot tomato!"

I poured a martini, to warm me within

Eschewing dumb eggnog in favor of gin;

Then just when my loins were beginning to stir

I heard in the sky an incredible whir;

I zipped up and ran to my highrise balcony

The place where I practice my hobby of falconry;

And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear

But a huge flying saucer with a silver veneer;

Eight tiny green creatures climbed down on a ladder

And I became so frightened I emptied my bladder;

"What is it you want, if I'm not being nosy?"

I asked as they circled me, ring-around-the-rosy;

"We'd like to examine your brain's frontal lobe

And also the classic, the old anal probe."

"But I am no leader, no Martin Van Buren;

I'm just some poor schmuck standing in his own urine!"

I could not dissuade them, or bribe them with money

I offered them beer; they just thought that was funny;

They made me lie down on the dining room table

And did things involving a fiber optic cable;

A half hour later they boarded their craft

Was it all just a dream? Was I crazy, or daft?

Then I heard them exclaim, ere they drove out of sight

"Happy Thursday to all, and to all a good night!"

PUTTING THE "X" BACK IN "XMAS"

SON OF CHRISTMAS QUIZ

CHRISTMAS QUIZ

NUTCRACKERS

Is it just me, or is this Nutcracker soldier guy scary looking? 

I mean scary looking the way clowns are scary looking. Or Joan Rivers. His face looks like something Lon Chaney would have come up with in his little makeup kit to try to top The Phantom Of The Opera.

Then again, I also think this ACTUAL nutcracker is kind of scary looking. 

But for different reasons.

Maybe there's something inherently scary about nutcrackers in general.

Or maybe I'm just easily frightened.

HAVE YOURSELF A JADED LITTLE CHRISTMAS