GOING DEEP

IF YOU CAN'T DECEIVE YOURSELF, WHO CAN YOU DECEIVE?

CANINE ACTIVISM

PAVLOV'S DOG

CAUSE AND EFFECT

SEPARATED AT PUBERTY

Georgia O'Keefe and Joan Baez.

WHY THE RELATIVELY LONG FACE?

GOLDILOCKS WAS NOT PLEASED

CARTOONS OF THE UNEXPLAINED

NEW SONG ON BANDCAMP

 https://jcduffy.bandcamp.com/track/penny-foolish

PENNY FOOLISH

(DUFFY)

WHO HAS INSIGHTS ON THE WEEK THAT WAS?

PENNY DOES

WHO SPREADS GOSSIP LIKE THE BEES THAT BUZZ?

PENNY DOES

SHE SAYS THAT WISDOM IS JUST SO OVERRATED

SHE WAVES IT OFF WITH A SMILE

SHE DOESN’T THINK LIFE HAS TO BE COMPLICATED

IT’S JUST A MATTER OF STYLE

WHO’LL CHASE RAINBOWS PAST THE FARTHEST HILL?

PENNY WILL

WHO’LL KILL TIME WHEN THERE’S NO TIME TO KILL?

PENNY WILL

SHE TALKS WITH DAVE BUT THEN SHE WONDERS WHAT DAVE MEANT

(DAVE WON A PULITZER PRIZE)

SHE DRAWS A QUESTION MARK OUTSIDE ON THE PAVEMENT

IT’S JUST A WORD TO THE WISE

BAD HAIR HALL OF FAME

Simone Weil.

DUCKS WITH HATS

NEW ON SUBSTACK LIGHTNING

https://jcduffy.substack.com/p/sids-family-deli 

OTHER-WORLDLY PROBLEMS

FLY IN THE MENTAL OINTMENT

SECRET PIG LATIN

Translation: VIZER.

DAILY REGIMEN

CONJOINED KIND BREAKUP

THE INNOCENCE OF ED

NEW ON SUBSTACK LIGHTNING

 https://jcduffy.substack.com/p/chicken-mcmansions

BAD HAIR HALL OF FAME

Peter Gabriel.

A CARTOON OF MINE IN THE WALL STREET JOURNAL

AUDIOPHILES

Dusty Springfield.

BUCKET LIST

MEN BEHAVING BADLY

Dean Martin.

ASK A SILLY QUESTION

LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD

COLD COMFORT

ADDING INJURY TO INSULT TO INJURY

NICHE MARKET

FAKE TRUMPET PLAYERS

Jeanne Moreau.

THE POWER OF ACCESSORIZING

FISH-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB

NUISANCE HORSE

SMOOTH OPEREATOR

CRAZY LIKE A FOX

WORDLE STORY

No amount of prose can convey the power of the spaceship that took me on board that night. I was driving down the road listening to an oldies station on the radio at three o'clock in the morning. The song was "Muskrat Love." I had the top down and the ship just sucked me up into itself. The next thing I knew I was prone on a stainless steel table, being given an anal probe by a group of aliens. After the procedure they put me back in my car and I went home. I cannot prove my story, but to this day, whenever I hear the Captain and Tennille I get a stiff pain in my ass. I say this supports my claim. Others say this merely supports the claim that the Captain and Tennille suck.

 

COMMITMENT TO THE PART

SPOT DIAGNOSIS

LOW BAR

LAISSEZ-FAIRE

RESPECT

ONE STEP BEYOND

I have a humor piece in the current issue of Funny Times:

A NATIVE OF THE SUN STAFF

By J.C. Duffy

The other day I got a text message on my phone:

“Transcript (low confidence) 

Good afternoon, it’s a 

native of the sun staff. I 

just wanna let you know

your groceries are here

whenever you get a

chance to pick them up.

Thank you.”

Imagine how excited I was when I thought I’d gotten a message from a native of the sun staff. I mean, the staffers on the sun must be busy. And hot. So, to take the time to leave me a voicemail, it must be pretty important, I thought. 

Then I read the rest of it: they wanted to let me know my groceries were here. Wow. How would a staffer on the sun know that, and why would they care, with everything they have to worry about up there? And why were they calling themselves “natives”? That’s weird. Then I noticed the words, “Transcript (low confidence),” so I listened to the actual voicemail. 

It wasn’t “a native of the sun staff.” It was actually “Anita at the front desk.” That made a lot more sense.

How disappointing. The nicest thing I can say about the robots at the phone company is that their low confidence in their transcript was well-placed. 

I went down to the lobby and thanked Anita for being a real person. She gave me the fisheye. It wasn’t the first time. As I turned away I noticed that the name tag on her sweater had a tiny image of the sun next to the word “STAFF.” Was there more to this than a mere garbled voicemail transcript? Was Anita a double agent, a spy working for both my building and the sun? I grabbed my groceries and got the hell onto the elevator in a cold sweat.

This will make a great scary story to tell the next time I’m sitting around a campfire roasting marshmallows with a bunch of idiots 

                                                         ****

This story was based on an actual transcript and an actual voicemail I got on my phone. And then I took it from there. One of the things I invented was the "image of the sun" on Anita's name tag. At least I thought I invented it. Then I noticed just such an image in one of the photos in my previous blog post:

Then I found images of the sun on my building's website:

[Insert the sound of eerie theremin music here.]

METHODOLOGY

Sometimes a delivery person will send me a picture of what they delivered:

Sometimes they'll send me a picture of themselves reflected in my front door:

ALWAYS NICE TO HEAR